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Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
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5:11 pm - Jacques(Episode Two)
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"Get that shirt on Jacques, you've got a lady to pick up at the Air Port."
"Gonna be in the buff by this afternoon driving this broken down cab with a heater I can't turn off. Whats her name Fred?
"You're breaking my heart Jacques. Did you ever think of opening the window? Her name is Ellen Simonetti."
"Is she a tall blonde with a great pair of legs?"
"Yeah she is Jacques. How did you know."
"Saw her on TV the other day Fred. She's the first Flight Attendant to ever be fired for blogging."
"Whats blogging Jacques?"
"The word blog is derived from the word web log. They took the b from the end of the word web and then combined that letter b with the word log. So blog is kind of a hip way to say web log."
"Whats a weblog?"
"Never mind Fred. Don't think you'll understand. Lets just say its a little something they invented a little bit past your Pony Express days."
"I'll tell her you've got great abs so you don't have to keep your shirt off."
"Okay, okay, I'm putting the shirt on now Fred. Tell her I'll be there in about five minutes."
Arriving at the Airport his waiting passenger asked,"are you the cab driver with the great abs?"
"What else did my dispatcher tell you about me,?" Jacques asked.
"Oh nothing much. He just mentioned that you slept with the librarian and your school teacher just to get an A."
"Gee, I mentioned that in confidence to one person, now I suppose its all over town. Anyway how have you been Ellen Simonetti? I've seen you on the Today Show and on CNBC. I'm sorry that you were fired from your job as a Flight Attendant because of your blogging.
"Thank you Jacques. Its kind of you to say that. But I came here to forget about my troubles. My very good friend is getting married and I'm gonna be her Brides Maid. So I'm gonna just forget about Delta and TV and newspaper interviews for a few days and just be plain old Ellen Simonetti again.
"I understand Ellen. I think taking a break from it all is the best thing to do. Besides New England is beautiful this time of year. How are you fixed for cash?"
"I'm okay Jacques. I'm getting unemployment benefits at last. I just hope I can finish my book before the checks run out. I'm not happy about being on such a tight budget but I have no choice unless I take the offer to be a centerfold."
"Oh, so they did want you do a centerfold. Figured they would. It would of sold magazines but I'm sure you made the right decision."
"Just couldn't do it Jacques. Any way I wear white socks."
"White socks! I don't get it."
"Its kind of a Texas saying Jacques. Good girls wear white socks."
"Oh now I get it. Oh by the way Ellen would you like to make some quick easy money?"
"Sure I would Jacques, but just keep in mind that I wear white socks."
"Sure Ellen, it just so happens that I wear white socks too."
"Yeah, great Jacques, that gives me a lot of faith in you. You just slept with the librarian and your school teacher but you wear white socks. What are we talking about here? I don't deal drugs or rob banks either."
"No, no Ellen, nothing illegal. All you have to do is place a bet on a horse race. And its not on a ringer or anything like that."
"Whats a ringer Jacques?"
"A ringer is a horse disquised as another horse. Lets say you own a grey horse thats a top allowance grade horse and I own a cheap horse that runs for a low claiming tag. What we do is switch horses. The bettors think they're betting on my cheap claiming tag horse but he's really your allowance horse. Its getting harder to get away with this today because now they have more ways to identify horses but people still try it from time to time."
"So whats so special about this one horse race and why do you need me to place the bet?"
"My friend is a horse trainer Ellen. He's been secretly clocking Joisey Girl in the early morning before the clockers show up at the track. He figures that Joisey Girl is at least ten lengths better than the top contenders in the race. But if either one of us is spotted making a big bet on the horse the price will go down. Joisey Girl hasn't run in two years. She was hurt but she had surgery and my friend nursed her back to health. She figures to go off about seventy to one if no one gets wise."
"How much do you want me to bet on it Jacques?"
"I only have five hundred dollars that I saved for my rent to bet. I'll give you one hundred dollars worth of the bet just for putting it in. Just walk up to the five hundred dollar win window two minutes before the race goes off and say one ticket on number seven."
"But what if it loses Jacques? Then how will you pay your rent?"
"Its no big deal Ellen. If Joisey Girl loses I'll just have to sleep with my land lady again. She'd much rather have me sleep with her than give her the rent money any way."
"Sleep with you're land lady again! You're putting me on about your land lady. Right?"
"No, thats the deal we made. She said five hundred a month or I sleep with her on rent day. But she wanted a three month security deposit, so I had to sleep with her three times because I didn't have the fiveteen hundred for the security deposit."
"Take off that shirt Jacques. I want to see if your abs are worth five hundred dollars a month free rent. And I'm gonna take pictures to show my friends in Texas if they are."
"Okay Ellen, I'm taking off my shirt but I don't want to see those pictures ending up in Play Girl or something. Remember, I wear white socks."
"Damn, I'm snapping. Those abs are worth a thousand a month rent. Hey take of some more Jacques. Maybe I could sell the pictures to Play Girl."
"Okay Ellen stop snapping where here. Got to put my shirt back on now. Just remember to play it cool. If anyone asks you why you're betting number seven just say its your lucky number and act like you really don't care if it loses."
"Okay I'll do it Jacques. Any way seven is my lucky number. I've got ten dollars of wild money. So I'm gonna play a seven and seven daily double for my self."
"I was going to leave right after the first race Ellen. After all, I am supposed to be providing a cab service. But okay, put your double in. Maybe its a winner."
"Thanks Jacques, I feel lucky today. And you're right. It is a picture perfect day today. New England is really a beautiful place."
"There she is Ellen. Joisey Girl is walking out on the track now."
"She's a beauty Jacques. Hope she runs as good as she looks."
"I'm gonna head down to the finish line. See ya there after you get the bet in Ellen."
"You've got it Jacques, the finish line is my favorite place at the track also."
Ellen returned with the five hundred dollar win ticket on Joisey Girl and then the track announcer announced "their in the gate."
"Are you nervous Jacques? You've got a lot riding on this race."
"A little nervous Ellen. I found the most beautiful property in the world that I want to buy, but I can only buy it if Joisey Girl comes through for me."
"Will you show me the property if she wins?"
"Sure Ellen. I'd be glad to. They're off. Oh, Joisey Girl got bumbed by two horses leaving the gate. She's back on track now but she lost a lot of ground."
"How much ground did she lose about Jacques?"
"I'd say she lost about ten lengths of ground being bumbed like that."
"Then she could still win Jacques. You're friend said she's at least ten lenghts better than the top contenders."
"Yeah, she could still win Ellen, but she can't make any mistakes. Wow, she just made a bold move in the center of the track. She's only four lenghts away from the leader. Now dead even. Oh damn, the jockey lost the whip. Their nose and nose. Neither one yielding. Here's the wire. Too close to call."
"Do you think she made it Jacques?"
"I really can't say for sure Ellen. I know its a nose job. But I can't tell whose nose got there first. The judges are calling for a print."
"Whats a print Jacques?"
"When the judges aren't sure what horse won they ask for a blow up picture of them crossing the finish line. Seven, they just put seven up Ellen, we won."
"How much did we win Jacques?
"They just made it offical now and put the price up Ellen. Joisey Girl paid one hundred and forty two dollars for every two dollar ticket. So you had a hundred dollars on her, so thats one hundred and forty two dollars times fivety and I get one hundred and forty two dollars times two hundred. Thats enough and more to buy the property I want. Lets cash the tickets in and have a drink."
"Okay Jacques, but just make my drink a coke, a coke with a double shot of bourbon that is."
"Here's your money Ellen and thanks for putting the bet in. And hey you still have a ten dollar double going. The seven and seven double is paying fourteen hundred dollars for every two dollar ticket."
"Thanks Jacques and cheers."
"Cheers Ellen."
"They're going in the gate for the second race Jacques. There they go. My number seven Texas Sweetie went right to the front. Go Texas Sweetie, go, go, go. Texas Swettie has opened a five length lead, now seven. Keep opening Texas Swettie, take some more real estate honey."
"She's got a good lead Ellen but the closers are starting to make their moves now. She's down to four lengths now but they're at the eigth pole. I say she hangs on. A sixteenth of a mile to go and she's still in front by three. The five horse is charging hard late, but here comes the wire. Texas Swettie hangs on to win by a half a length. Cash your tickets and lets walk out of here as big winners. Doesn't get any better than this."
"Okay, cashed the tickets Jacques. Where to now?"
"How bout a few songs at the Piano Bar to celebrate, then I'll show you that property. Do you still sing?"
"Just once in a while. I haven't felt much like singing since Delta fired me for blogging. Why do you ask?
"I wrote a little song I thought you might want to sing at the Piano Bar. Its a sort of political song. I thought you might get a kick out of it. I just jotted it down for you while you were cashing your tickets."
"The song looks interesting Jacques. I sing and play piano. I think I have the perfect piano tune for this."
"Realy."
"Realy Jacques. Think you have something hear. Order me a steak and I'll try this out on the piano while were waiting for our order."
"Okay, let me introduce you. Hi everyone, we have a special treat this afternoon from Austin Texas. Ellen Simonetti is going to sing "Got The Red State Blues."
I'm living in a red state
But I'm feeling blue
Don't know how it happened
But I woke up blue
My Daddy was in a union when Texas was blue
But ever since Texas turned red on me
There was no union job for me
I'm living in a red state
Yeah I'm feeling blue
Got fired for blogging
Now I'm seeing red
With no union job I wasn't making much
But I was still the best that I could be
I did my job and never complained
Then my Mom passed
I tried to kill the pain
I took up blogging
Just to ease my pain
But didn't mention any names
I blogged out of Quirksville
Called it Annomymous Airlines
Just talked bout my travels
Till one day the phone rang
They said I was suspended
Something about blogging in uniform
Just didn't make any sense to me
But when you're living in a red state
Oh its just so blue
No union to represent you
Oh that door can slam hard
But what did I do wrong
I really don't know
But I'm living in a red state
Oh yeah, I've got the blues
Ellen finished her song to thunderous claps.
"You did great Ellen, but why are you crying?"
"I'm crying Jacques over the fact that you could write a song like this in five minutes and still be such a slut. Give up women Jacques and just write."
"But Ellen, what would I have to write about if I gave up women?"
"You don't have to give them all up Jacques. Just cut it down to a parade of one. In fact I'm going to introduce you to someone today that would be perfect for you. She really is a good girl. And she'll be worth you're waiting."
"Maybe you're right Ellen. I guess I have been a bit of a slut lately. I've been with three different women in three days now. Its getting harder to seem sincere. Introduce me to your friend. I need someone that may see me as more than just a good time roll in the hay. But first I want to show you that property I'm going to buy."
"Oh yeah, the property, I do want to see it."
"Okay, lets go then if you're ready Ellen."
They drove through the valley passing by several lakes and then heard the sound of thundering water falls.
"This is it Ellen. I'm buying this property and soon after I get my Medical Degree I'm going to build a house right near this waterfall."
"Its breathtaking Jacques. Could I write my book here?"
"Sure Ellen, you can come here any time you want. And you're right about the writing. I do all my writing here right by the waterfall. And perhaps some day I may paint a few landscapes here as well. See that tree up there. I have a tree house build in it with a water bed and everything. Had to do it because sometimes I felt so peaceful here I would close my eyes and fall asleep. But its not a lot of fun waking up in the dark here. But I have lights in the tree house and plenty of warm blankets."
"So there is another side to you Jacques. You do have feelings and warmth. I think you very well may just write a great novel here some day. But behind every great man Jacques is a woman hen pecking him to fame and fortune. Always remember that."
"You're friend. Will she hen peck me gently Ellen?"
"Yeah, she'll be gentle Jacques unless you totaly revert to being a bad boy again. I'll be back next summer to write my book and check up on you. Its been a fun day Jacques but you better get me to my friends house before she wonders where her Brides Maid went to. Oh and her sister Maureen is the one I want to introduce you to. When you see the most beautiful looking woman in all of New England you'll know that you're looking at Maureen."
"Okay on to Hanover. I don't really know what to say Ellen. You're just full of surprises."
"Sometimes Jacques its better to say nothing. Lets just watch this beautiful New England sunset in quiet as we drive down these beautiful quaint country roads.
"My lips are sealed Ellen."
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current mood:  artistic
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| Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
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11:17 pm - Jacques
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Introduction To
Jacques
Written By
Tim Mack
Jacques is an ongoing Online Episode. Its about the struggles encounterd by Jacques, an extremly handsome guy from Joigny France who is attending medical college at the small and very scenic New England town of Hanover, New Hampshire.
Because the town is so small jobs are scarce and Jacques takes whatever jobs he can get to help pay his way through college. He starts off his Freshman year of college by taking a job as a cab driver after being fired from his first job as an auto mechanic after the boss catches his girl friend giving him fellatio while he's working underneath a Porshe. He also performs as a male stripper whenever someone is having a bachelorette party where his fantastic looking body helps get his jock strap filled with money from the ladies.
Jacques
Episode One
Written By Tim Mack
As Jacques friend Mike helped Jacques load his belongings into Jacques cab he said,"sorry your land lady evicted you Jacques. Will you be all right to night?"
"Thanks Mike, but I'll just find another place where the rent is a bit more reasonable."
"Bet you a pint you'll end up sleeping in someones bed tonight."
"You're on Mike, but as of right now it looks like I'll be sleeping in the cab tonight."
"What happened that you couldn't make the rent Jacques?"
"I lost my job as an auto mechanic when one of my fans from the Club Wild couldn't resist pulling down my pants and giving me fellatio while I was working underneath a Porshe.When the boss walked in I just couldn't convince him that she took me by surprise.He just laughed and said, "if you were a Rock star than maybe I'd beleive it, but an auto mechanic, no way."
"Could of been worse Jacques. It could of been his wife walking in on you. Then she would of thought that everyone was getting some action at the auto shop including her husband. Then he would have wanted to murder you instead of just firing you."
"Didn't think of that Mike. But I wouldn't be surprised if he fired me because he was worried that his wife would never give him any peace at the auto shop if she noticed that sort of body work was going on."
"Yeah, now you got it Jacques. Welcome to pussy whipped America. French women would just chuckle at this, put in Ozzie & Harriet America things like this are not allowed to happen. Just don't fall in love with an American woman unless you want to join the whipped club. If I was a male stripper I'm sure my wife would throw something at me."
Thanks for the advice Mike. Got to go now. Just got a call on my radio to take someone over to Bess Johnson's place.
After Jacques droped his fare off at Bess Johnson's he said, "I'll be around for a while if you need a ride back later. Just tap on the window when you're ready."
"Great, figure on about two hours or so."
Two hours later Jacques fare knocked on the window while Bess Johnson gave him a good night kiss. "Hey Jacques don't you ever go home anymore,?" Bess Johnson asked.
"My cab is my home now. I got evicted today."
"Oh sorry to hear that Jacques. I'll tell you what though. After you drop my friend off come back. I think I know of where you can find an apartment at a reasonable rent."
"Great Bess. Thanks, I'll catch you later."
Jacques took his fare back into town and then headed back to Bess Johnson's place. He figured someone like her would not say she knew of an apartment unless she was sure. He figured her for a very high class hooker based on her teriffic looking body and the twice a week or so visit to her place on average by very well to do men. Whenever a fare was going to Bess Johson's place Jacques always knew he would get a very generous tip.
Arriving at Bess Johnson's place Jacques was relieved to see that her lights were still on. As he pulled into her driveway Bess opened her front door and waved for him to come in. As he got closer to the door he could see that Bess was wearing a very sexy teddy fan nighty. As Bess bent down to pick up the TV remote control that fell out of her hand Jacques eyes feasted on the sight of Bess's breast's just about bursting out of the top of her almost totaly sheer top. Now all the way bent down his eyes delighted at the site of her very firm and beautiful thighs.
"You got a fire hose handy Bess?"
"A fire hose Jacques! Is there a fire somwhere?"
"Yeah, there is Bess. Your teddy fan nighty is fanning the flames. And I like it. I better go before you have to extinguish me. Any way it is kind of late."
"No problem Jacques, I'm good at putting out fires, I'm just watching TV. Nothing on thats very entertaining. Tell you what. I'll make you a nice roast beef sandwhich if you do your Club Wild strip act routine for me."
"If you got a beer to go with that you got a deal Bess."
"Sure thing Jacques, I stocked up on Molson today. I'll join you with a Molson if you don't mind."
"Great Bess. I just hope I'm not keeping you up."
"No Jacques, you're not keeping me up. But lets see that srtip act now.
As Bess prepared the sandwhich Jacques danced around. As he unbuttoned his shirt Bess was surpised to see his rippling muscles and very firm abs. As he playfuly slid his pants off Bess looked on lustfuly at his muscular thighs. As he turned around he exposed his butt my letting his jock strap slide beneath his butt. He then pulled his jock strap back up and turned around and faced Bess again.
"Nice butt Jacques. But why did you pull your jock strap back up? I was looking forward to seeing everything."
"Thanks Bess, but I don't show it all till the final part of the act. At the Club Wild I lay down on the floor and while I do a sexy wiggle the bacherolette pulls my jock strap all the way off."
"Well what are you waiting for Jacques? Get down on the floor and do that wiggle."
Jacques did his wiggle on the floor and then said "At this point I let the bachelorette pull my jock strap off and ask her to take advantage of me and have her way with me."
To Jacques surpise Bess bent down and slid off his jock strap. He watched as Bess threw the jock strap to the corner of the kitchen and removed her nighty. As her naked body stood over his Jacques through his arms back over his head and said, "take advantage of me, I'm all yours."
Gently stroking his cock, she said, "its beautiful" as it throbbed from her strokes.
"Thank you Bess. Your body is even more fantastic than I imagined."
"Lets have those sandwhiches now before I take you upstairs. I have something that I want to tell you Jacques when we go upstairs."
"Sure Bess. Cheers"
"Cheers Jacques. Oh I forget the napkins. But since were both sitting at the table stark naked I guess it doesn't really matter."
"Right you are Bess. My bod is wash and wear. Anyway its a lot more comfortable looking at you without any clothes on."
Looking down at Jacques lap, Bess remarked, "Yes you're happy to see me allright."
"Thanks for the sandwhich and beer Bess, but I should really go and let you get some sleep."
"Sleep! You think I can sleep now after seeing your sexy body Jacques? I'm tired of being with girly men. I need a tumble with a real red blooded man. Just come up stairs with me. I have something up there I want to show you"
"Okay Bess, lead the way. You have me curious now."
"Take a good look now and tell me what you think of it up here Jacques."
"Its very nice up here Bess. But what did you want to tell me?"
"Lay down on this bed and tell me what you think Jacques."
"Oh, a water bed. I love it Bess. This is super comfortable."
"Five hundred a month Jacques and its yours."
"Great Bess, I'll take it."
"Wait, not so fast Jacques. I require a three month security deposit thats due today for the apartment."
"That would be fiveteen hundred due right now. Sorry Beth I just don't have it."
"I think we can work something out Jacques. I just need you to put up a little colateral."
"My Timex watch has a market value of about twenty bucks and thats all the colateral I have."
"I'm willing to waive the rent for any month you can't come up with the five hundred if you do me on the rent date. I'm a business woman Jacques but I have needs."
"Do you on the rent date Bess! What are you trying to do, make paying rent fun again? Of course I'm quite thrilled that you think a tumble with me is worth five hundred dollars."
"Oh, you're really worth quite a lot more Jacques but I'm a bit of a spend thrift."
"But I thought people paid you for their needs Bess."
"Yes they do Jacques. But thats for them. Thats for their needs. It does nothing for me outside of making my bank account a little richer."
"Okay Bess, you're on. Do you want the three months security deposit right now?"
"Yes Jacques I'd like it now, all of it now if you can. But remember, this is for me, not for you. So I'm in total control. Just lay back on the bed and leave everything to me. I'm going to handcuff your hands and feet to the bed posts now so let me know if you want to change your mind before the cuffs go on."
"Bring on the handcuffs Bess. Your offer is just too good to turn down."
Now with the handcuffs firmly secure Bess stood over Jacques as her very full and firm beautiful breasts bounced over his chest as she came closer to him. He would have liked to touch her breasts along with her shapely thighs, but the handcuffs prevented him from doing so. Beth now climbed on the bed and sank her teeth sharply into Jacques neck. Jacques new that deep bite would turn into one giant sized hicky and he'd owe his friend Mike a pint just as soon as Mike seen it.
"The handcuffs are starting to hurt me Bess. I keep forgetting that they're on whenever I feel an urge to touch you."
"Stop fighting the cuffs Jacques. Just relax your body and tell me a story. Tell me how and when you lost your virginity."
"Its such a silly story I don't know if I should really tell you about it. I was sixteen when it happened. I lost it in my living room unexpectedly back in my home town of Joigny, France while I was watching television."
"Oh, you were watching one of those real hot french movies Jacques and you let passions flames run wild."
"No Bess. I was watching a soccer game on television. With my eyes glued to the action of the screen I kept sticking my hand in the popcorn bowl without looking. My sweet heart of the time was watching the game with me, but I was ignoring her as usual when the game was on."
"So how did you lose your virginity then Jacques?"
"I reached over to take a handful of popcorn from the bowl, but instead of feeling the texture of the popcorn I felt something very soft and very feminine. Instead of my hand being in the popcorn bowl it was touching the pussy of my sweet heart for the first time. Somehow she had placed her pussy into the exact spot where the popcorn bowl had been had removed her panties and I reached into her exposed pussy for the popcorn. As I looked at her pussy in surprise she undid my pants and slowly pulled my underpants down as if she was unwraping a gift.
"Bet that was more exciting than the game Jacques."
"Oh yeah it was Bess. Damn, your not a vampire are you. You've got some sharp teeth. If I wasn't cuffed, I'd be checking you for fangs now."
"They were just love taps Jacques. Brace yourself for the big bites coming.
"How bout you Bess. What was your first time like?"
"My first time was also a surprise Jacques, but it was with another woman first before it was with a man. I was staying over night at a friends house and the three of us were all sharing the same bedroom. I opened my eyes when I heard one of the beds creeking and noticed that my two friends were stark naked on the bed touching eachother. They invited me to join them but I just went back to my bed. A little bit later they both walked over to my bed and one of them unbuttoned my pajama top and fondled my breasts while the other one pulled down my pajama bottoms and touched my pussy. I wasn't sure what that meant as far as my sexual preference went. All I knew is that it felt very nice at the time. None of us were really sure what it meant at the time. But we all agreed to talk three boys we liked into having a game of strip poker with us so we could all get naked and lose our virginity to the boys all at the same time."
Bess planted bites and kisses as her mouth slowly moved down his chest. As she started to twirl her tongue around his nipples he started to get a tremendous erection. He quickly realized just how skilled her tongue was as it twirled from the shaft of his cock to at last reach around his helmet. Then she thrusted him slowly into her savouring every moment.
Her thighs were tremendous and powerful and Jacques knew that she could make him explode inside her ay any time she wanted, but she was careful not to over excite him. After about an hour had gone by and Jacques body was in a profuse state of sweat she turned up the tempo as her powerful thighs thrashed ever so harder as Jacques exploded inside her at last.
Smiling now as she uncuffed Jacques, Bess said "That was the best I ever had. Now lets shower together."
As Jacques soaped up Bess he became fully erect again. Leaning her body against the shower wall he thrusted quickly and deeply inside her. Beth moaned with delight as she experienced multiple orgasms. As Jacques climaxed he said, "Thats two months security now."
Now Jacques had Bess completly toweled dry when she asked, "Could you give me that third months secuity deposit now."
"Yes I can," Jacques answered as he stretched her out on the bathroom floor and thrusted deep inside her as she moaned wildly.
"Thank you for the three month security deposit Jacques. And I'll be looking forward to seeing you again on the first of the month."
"Sure thing Bess. You know where I'll be."
Message From The Author
If you enjoyed reading the first episode of Jacques, you will be able to read future episodes on the special Yahoo Groups Board I create for Jacques called Jacques Online
current mood:  chipper
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, May 10th, 2004
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5:29 pm - Tiffany Stone(The Story)
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Tiffany Stone
URL.biz - Arts
About Tiffany Stone
Tiffany Stone has given me permission to write her into my story and to use her name as the title.
Speicial Thanks To Tiffany Stone
This is a fictional story.
Tiffany Stone really is a Hollywood journalist and a movie script reader. But her appearance in this story is only fictional. But the description of how beautiful she is in the story is not fictional. She is very attractive. And yes, she does really have a blog listed under her personal domain name Tiffany A Stone.Com. Her blog is named:
Breakfast At Tiffany's
Tiffany Stone
By Tim Mack
He thought. "What kind of dream is this?"
He felt as if he were in a dream that he couldn't awaken from.
He thought. "I must awaken from this dream and take charge of myself. But how? How can I awaken?"
At last, he was no longer soaring above the ocean at warp speed. He could feel his body, now splash into the water, as the impact pulled his clothes off. Now he could feel a terrible wet chill.
As waves crashed over him, he started to awake, but the waters were so frigid, he could feel himself going into a state of hyperthermia.
He thought. "I'm gone, and there is no Canada that I will see."
After a time, he could feel lips pressed on his. The lips were soft and sweet. He could smell the scent of a fresh morning bubble bath. He could feel hot air blowing into his mouth. But he could not move. His eyes refused to open. But he could feel the sun now. Then he felt tender fingers touch his face.
Hands were now pressing on his stomach and water started to flow from out of his mouth. He felt hot air again blow inside his mouth.
Gentle fingers touched his wrist, as he heard a female voice cry out." A pulse, a pulse."
He layed their helpless on the beach. He could not move, he could not see. He felt only the sensation of feminine hands all over his body.
Then he heard a female voice cry out. "Body heat. He must have lots of body heat. Its his only chance to get warm enough to survive."
His eyes, then started to open very slightly. He saw a woman standing over him, she had long strawberry blond hair that was rich with curls.
She was quickly undressing and revealing very, full and beautiful, breasts, a slim, wasteline and very, firm thighs. He then felt her body go underneath his. But, yet, then again, he saw the same woman standing over him and quickly undressing, yet, she was wearing different clothes.
Then she placed her body on top of his.
He thought. "What kind of woman, can be on top of me, and underneath me at the same time?"
And then he thought.
"Could this be Hell?"
"And I be damned."
"To feel this lust."
"Yet to frozen be."
"What were my sins?"
"For this to be."
"Frozen so helpless."
"Here for all eternity."
Suddenly, he started to feel a rush of heat spreading, all over his body. The heat from the woman's body above him, combined with the heat of the womans body underneath him was thawing him out rapidly now.
Then he thought.
"What madness can this be?"
"If I am not dead."
"I must be mad."
"To lie here with a woman that."
"That has two sets of hands."
"That warms me with two bodies yet."
"I may be back on earth again."
"But for sure, my mind."
"It must be gone."
Just then, he heard the sounds of laughter.
A female voice cried out. "A butterfly, a butterfly."
Another female voice, cried out. "Where?"
The other female voice replied. "On his butt. On his butt. He has a butterfly tatto on his butt."
Suddenly, he started to laugh. He said. "Oh, the butterffly. That was a very drunken night in Singapore."
He asked. "What ailment do I have, that I am seeing and hearing two of you?"
They both laughed together, and said. "We are twin sisters."
He laughed and said. "Oh, you mean that I have not gone mad."
"Thank you both for what you've done." He said.
One of the twins said. "We couldn't think of any a faster way to warm you up then using our combined body heat."
He smiled and said. "That was a lot more fun than hot soup."
One of the twins then said. "Come with us and we will give you a hot bath and get you some dry clothes to wear."
"The hot water felt good and it was nice to get that salty water off his body." He thought.
One of the twins said. "These are my brothers clothes, I think you are about the same size, he doesn't need to share them with a butterfly, but try them on, I think they will fit. But don't be in any big hurry eh."
He put the clothes on, and said. "The butterfly is very happy."
They both laughed, and one of the twins, poured him a Scotch, and said. "Here this will put some hair on your butterfly."
Once they realised he was okay, they became very curious and one of the twins asked. "How did it happen, that you washed up on this far away island?"
He told them, "I'm not exactly sure myself, but I will tell you what I can."
He told his twin rescuers. "I had fallen asleep on a couch on my ship and then somehow, I washed up ashore on your enchanting island. It makes no sense, but here I am. All I can remember is that I felt an incredible urge to smell a womans sweet perfume."
"Here you are how?" The other twin sister asked.
"I wished myself here is my only explanation." He said.
"I feel like being somewhere, where there is music and dancing." He said.
"And somewhere where you can spell lots of womens perfume eh." One of the twins remarked.
"Yes, I confess. I need to fill up my nostrils with the sweet scent of women and their perfume." He said with a smile.
"Sure you're not needing any more then just a sniff of a women?" One of the twins remarked with a seductive smile.
The twins then directed him to the only bar on the island. He liked the music and the place was packed with beautiful women. Noticing a woman leaning over the juke box whose breasts were bouncing in her tight top, he winked seductively and asked. "Could you play You Sexy Thing for me?"
She looked at Kevin as if he were piece of chocolate candy and said. "If I'm dreaming this don't anyone wake me."
"My name is Kevin. And where have you been all my life?" He said
"My name is Bernice. And I've been right here just waiting for you to walk in the door." She said.
Kevin moved his head close to her neck and said. "I love how you smell."
She put her arms around Kevin and said. "He's mine. I'll not be sleeping in a cold bed tonight."
Kevin then gazed into her eyes seductively and kissed her, as he felt her breasts press pleasantly against his chest.
Kevin thought to himself. "Its fanstastic that this place is filled with beautiful women. But why am I the only guy here?"
Just then one of the twins waved them over and said. "Come and sit with us. We ordered drinks for everyone."
Kevin took a swig of his drink and asked. "Am I in heaven, or is this a lesbian bar?"
The twin sisters laughed and said. "No, its just that all the men on the island are out fishing and you're the only male on the entire island at the moment."
It seemed as if every women in the place wanted to dance with him. The music was great, and word had gotten around about the butterfly tatto on his butt, and the women seemed to be enjoying him being the butt of all their jokes, so to say.
The woman behind the bar suddeny cleared the top of the bar counter and yelled.
"Come on sailor hop up on the counter and give us a dance". As You Sexy Thing started to play.
Being a good sport, Kevin jumped up and started dancing. Kevin started to playfuly unbutton his shirt as a bunch of woman started yelling.
"Take it off. Take it all off sailor. We want to see the butterfly."
Kevin thought to himslef. "I'll just strip down to my underwear."
Now with Kevin wearing only his shorts, the woman now sreamed loudly the words.
"Take it off. Take it all off. We want to see the butterfly."
Kevin yelled back. "Okay ladies. But this will have to be our own little secret. The UCMJ(Uniform Code Military Justice} doesn't allow me to be lewd. At least not in uniform anyway. But hey. I guess I'm not in uniform today anyway eh."
As Kevin turned around and lowered his shorts, the ladies clapped wildly at the site of his butterfly.
Hearing cameras clicking, Kevin pulled his shorts back up and turned around and asked. "Please? Stop ladies. No more pictures. I could be Court Martialed for this. Seriously ladies, I know a lot of women out there that could ID a picture of my butterfly."
But instead of stopping, they applauded wildly and kept clicking pictures. Kevin shrugged his shoulders as he started to dress and yelled. "How bout another Molson up here eh?"
An exceptionaly well dressed woman walked up to him. She absolutely radiated with beauty. Her long dark, brown hair and hazel eyes were striking.
She extended her hand and said. "Hi, my name is Tiffany Stone, I'm a Hollywood journalist and I would like to hear your story."
"Hi, I've read articles that you've written, but I never knew what you looked like. You certainly don't look like a journalist, your much too pretty."
The woman siting next to him intervened and said. "I already got his story and he's coming home with me right after we have a few more drinks."
He laughed and said to the woman sitting next to him. "Don't worry, she doesn't want me, she just wants the story, nothing more."
"Oh, in that case come back to my house with us, and get your story." The woman said.
"Tiffany Stone, turned to him and asked. Would you mind?"
"I would be more than glad to give you the story." He replied.
"My name is Bernice." She said, as she extended her hand to Tiffany Stone.
"I'm Kevin and it will be my pleasure to give you the story." He said.
"I have a camcorder and a microphone with me, if you'd like to do anymore entertaining." Tiffany Stone said.
Kevin asked. "Would you mind recording me Tiffany Stone so that when the men of the village get back from their fishing trip, the ladies of the village can share my visit with them?"
"Certainly" Tiffany Stone replied.
"Okay than, since you wonderful Canadians have shown me such wonderful hospitality, I'm going to do a few scripts for you that I've written. So far I've only performed these scripts out at sea to a very captive audience, so if I start to bore you, let me know and I'll stop. This first one is called My First Kiss. Okay Tiffany, if you don't mind, roll the camcorder."
My First Kiss
Being seven, can be very arkward. You're no longer cute and cuddley anymore, but your still far from being grown up. At seven, I was still my Mom's charge. Wherever she went, I had to follow.
I was the srangest little Kid. I wasn't interested in anything. Every thing just seemed to be a bore, and I couldn't understand why I was a little Kid.
My Mom was always losing me. She would make me go shopping with her, and I would think. "Oh, more shopping, I'm going to sleep." So, I would crawl under a display or something and go to sleep.
After a while, all the sales girls would be on the alert whenever, I would walk into a department store, because they new I was going to find some place to hide away. But the worst place was the sand box.
Whenever my Mom would take me to the sand box, I would think. "Oh, no, I have to be around all those Kids that think this is fun." I mean after putting the sand in your pail once, the thrill is gone.
So of course, I would go right to sleep in the sandbox. But the ultimate low was Kindergarten. All of these Kids playing with little blocks and making a mess with all those crayons. I went right to sleep on that.
The teacher would say to my Mom. "I don't understand your Son, he refuses to stay awake in my class."
I thought. "Oh, let me hurry and grow up. Life as a little Kid, is just too boring."
I mean really, I felt like I had nothing in common with the junior set. Then, this was almost a bright note.
Someone from a modeling agency noticed me sound asleep in the sandbox one day, and said to my Mom. "Your Son is really hansome, I would like to model him."
I thought. "Hey, that might be interesting."
But no. My Mom said. "I want my Son to have a normal childhood and not have to grow up with cameras everywhere."
I thought. "Mom, are you crazy? I can be a star here. And anyway. What kind of a normal childhood is this that I'm having? Everything bores me."
Then one day, my Mom took me to the Park for a picnic with her friend and her friends, little daughter, that was the same age as I. We were both 7 at the time.
I thought. "Oh, another boring picnic, and now I'm going to have to listen to all their shopping talk. I'm going to sleep."
So, I found a nice spot on the grass and I feel sound asleep. Then after a while, I felt something crawling on me. I opened my eyes and noticed that it was my Mom's, friends, daughter. I noticed that my Mom and her friend were busy chatting away, and were not even aware that the girl was crawling all over me.
I thought. "Well, if I close my eyes and pretend I'm sleeping, the girl will go away and find something else to crawl on."
But no, she kept crawling all over me.
I'm thinking. "Well, I don't know what she thinks she's doing, but I'm just going to keep my eyes closed until she gets bored and goes away."
Then, all of a sudden, I feel something soft on my lips.
I'm thinking. "Hmmmm, that feels good. I wonder what that can be."
It just kept feeling nicer and nicer.
Then I thought. "Oh, what the heck. Let me open my eyes to see what this is."
Then I notice, that its the girls lips, that are on mine.
I said. "Whats that"?
She said. "Thats a kiss."
I said. "Oh, I like that."
She said. "I like that to."
I smiled and said. "Oh, at last something thats not boring."
Well, since that day, my life really changed. I wasn't falling asleep all over the place anymore. I seemed to be wide awake and interested.
But, I always wonder. "Was it the kiss that day, when I was seven, that sparked something in me; or was it just time to wake up?"
Well, whatever, I have been wide, awake, ever since. And that is the story of my first kiss, and my first unboring moment.
"Thank you Kevin I really enjoyed that." Tiffany Stone said.
"But why is everyone crying? It didn't have that kind of effect on the sailors. Kevin said smiling.
"Thats because sailors can never become Mom's. Its very sweet and touching Kevin." Tiffany Stone said.
"Thank you, I see everyones crying. I was trying to make everyone laugh. Let me try A Script About My Ass and see if that can get everyone laughing." Kevin said.
The Script About My Ass
Does anyone remember those early High School days? You know, the time when most of us started to discover the opposite sex in ernest, but we still weren't completly evolved yet. I can still remember those early day High School parties that we had.
You know, those parties that you would have at a friends house where all the guys would gravitate to the kitchen, and all the girls would gravitate to an up stairs bed room to talk girl talk. We all thought we were so cool. Some guy would always find a way to sneak a six pack of beer into the kitchen and another guy would always have a pack of cigarettes.
We would all take a small glass of beer and light up a cigarette and talk about what a buzz we were getting. While we were getting our little beer and cigarette buzz, we would start talking about what girls we thought were hot. Sometimes I wondered why the girls came to the party at all, they, always seemed to be upstairs.
All that changed after a while, but it was a real evolutionary process. But while we were evolving, sure, all the guys knew about all the guy talk in the kitchen, but no one ever knew anything about what the girls were talking about upstairs. Well, that is almost no one knew.
I overheard a very rare earshot of a conversation I wasn't suppose to hear. It was all very innocent of course, but rather interesting. This is how it all happened. I had to use the bathroom.
I knocked on the door, and one of my friends said. "I'm going to be in here for a while because I feel like I'm going to puke."
I thought okay. "I will use the upstairs bathroom."
I got almost to the top of the stairs and I heard all kinds of laughter coming from the girls in the bedroom.
I thought. "I wonder what it is thats so funny that they are laughing about?
Then I heard one of the girls say. "Yeah that Kevin has the tightest ass."
And another girl chimed in. "I couldn't keep my eyes off of his ass for the entire football game."
I realized then. "They, were talking about my ass."
I thought. "No one cares about all the touch downs I got or all the great plays I made. Their just watching my ass."
Then another girl yelled. "Yeah, I love that back field in motion."
Another girl chimed in. "Yeah, I just love seeing Kevin's ass in those tight football pants."
"I'd love to sueeze those tight bunns." Another voice cried out.
And yet another voice, said. "I get goose bumbs just thinking what it would be like to wrap my legs around his tight ass."
Well, at first I was devestated.
I thought. "All that pumping iron, all that hair blowing, all that expense cologne. And what are all the girls looking at? Its my ass, just my ass."
Then I thought. "Well, I better keep this little secret to myself."
I thought. "If I tell anyone I overheard this conversation, they'll never be able to keep it a secret and it will get back to the girls."
They kept talking and talking about my ass, but I couldn't listen any longer, I really did have to use the bathroom. So I used the bathroom and quietly slipped back down stairs again. Now I needed a beer and a cigarette. So, I gulped down an entire can of beer and had a cigarette, but then I really started to feel weird.
I thought. "Woh, no more of that stuff. But then I started to think, hmmm, maybe I can capitalise on this ass thing."
I applied for a Summer job, and the girl said, oh, sorry, we have no more openings. Then she said, your shoe lace is untied.
I bent down to tie it. And then she said. "Oh, I'm sorry, I made a mistake, we do have an opening."
Now, I'm thinking. "Hmmm, is this just a coincidence? Or was she really checking me out when I bent down to tie my shoe lace?"
Then I would start to notice other little oddites. Everytime I walked into the office to look for a file, I would hear all this typing. But as soon as I would turn my back and start looking for a file, all the typing would stop. And then as soon as I got the file and turned around again, the typing would suddenly resume.
"Another strange coincidence." I suppose.
When I got my first paycheck from my summer job, I thought. "Its time to do a little shopping."
Yeah, I was going pants shopping, tight pants shopping.
I thought. Hmmm, how tight can I get pants to fit?"
Then I headed out with my new tight pants. Wow, was I getting smiles.
I thought. "Screw the gym. The heck with pumping iron. I had it all together in one neat package."
Then school resumed again, and I thought. "Hmmmm, I wonder if I can get my marks boosted a bit higher if I have all female teachers?"
So, I went in to see the Guidance Counselor, and asked. "Could I have all female teachers?"
"Why do you want all female teachers?" He asked.
I said. "I seem to pay attention better."
He said. "Well, I can give you all female teachers, except for Gym Class."
"Great." I said.
I couldn't beleive the difference, with all female teachers, my marks were soaring. Every once in a while, I would drop my pen or something in class, and pick it up real slow just for insurance.
What was really weird though, was that I was getting even better at football. It started to feel good just thinking that I was giving the girls a thrill. I felt like they weren't cheering for the team, but rather they were really cheering for me.
After a while, I kind of even developed a little back field in motion wiggle. The girls were going wild.
I thought. "Hey, if you got it, flaunt it."
When I graduated High School, I was hired by a Wall Street Bokerage firm, but I had to take a medical exam before I could start working. I looked out the window in the Doctors examining room in awe at the sky line.
As I marveled at the sites, I felt a hand tap on my shoulder. I turned my head to see a Nurse standing there.
She said. "I have to take your temperature."
As she held the therometer in her hand I opened my mouth expecting her to slip it in.
She smiled and said. "No, this isnt going in your mouth."
I asked. "Where else can it go?"
She said. "Drop your pants and shorts and find out."
I complied and as I layed down on my stomach, I could feel her stick the therometer up my butt.
She started to chat with me and after a long while, I kind of wondered to myself. "Why is she taking so long to pull the therometer back out of my butt?"
Just then the Doctor walked in and asked the Nurse. "Why are you taking his temperature in this fashion?"
Her face now a bit blushed, she exclaimed. "Oh I had some medical questions to ask him, and he couldn't answer them if the therometer was in his mouth."
I thought. "Hmmm, medial questions. I couldn't remember her asking me any medical questions."
Then I thought. "Hmmm, another on of those coincidences."
The Doctor asked. "So whats the temperature?"
With that she pulled the therometer from my buttoks at last, and said. "Your temperature is perfectly normal. And what department will you be working in?"
"That was good Kevin, my stomach is hurting from laughing so much." Tiffany Stone said.
"Great, I'm glad everyone got a good laugh out of that. Let me take a Molson break and I'll do one more." Kevin said with a smile.
"Do you always drink Molson Kevin?" Tiffany Stone asked.
"Yes always Tiffany." Kevin replied.
"I think I'll try a bottle of Molson and see what it does for my writing." Tiffany Stone said laughing.
"Well Tiffany, here's another one I wrote with the help of a few Molsons. This one is called Sex Toy for Mom. Roll the camcorder." Kevin said.
Sex Toy For Mom
I guess I did a lot of stupid things when I was a Kid. But buying my Mom a battery powered vibrator, had to be at the top of the list of stupid things I did. Of course, I had no idea what I was buying her at the time.
Well let me explain. When I was a kid, I would go to these auctions looking for things for my Science projects and everything was bid on so you knew how much it was going to be if you put a bid in on something. So that day I had found a few things I could use for my Science projects, so I started heading out the door.
As I was walking out the door, I could hear the auctioneer saying. "And this next item can give you a great massage."
Then I remembered that my Mom said a few days ago that she wished she could get a massage for her stiff neck.
So, I thought. "Christmas is coming soon, this might be a nice gift for Mom."
Then I heard the auctioners voice say. "Doesn't anyone else want to bid on this massager?"
So I raised the bid by 25 cents more, no one else put another bid in for it, so I got the thing.
I noticed I got a few funny looks from the people at the auction.
But I thought. "They're probably wondering what I'm doing at the auction."
I was the only Kid there, and I was still in grade school.
So, I got home, and wrapped up what I thought was just a massager for your neck or something and put it under the tree for Mom. Of course I was a bit perplexed why the bottom edge was so rounded.
But I thought. "Maybe that makes it vibrate better or something."
So, when Christmas came, everyone was there, my Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts and very close family friends. I watched my Mom as she opened up my present, and I noticed that she had a very surprised look on her face.
Then, I thought. "Good, I really surprised her."
But then I noticed that my Dad and my Grandparents also had a very surprised look on their face.
But as I explained to my Mom, that. "I got that for her, so that she could massage her neck." Everyone starting laughing. I couldn't figure out what was so funny.
Then my Dad said to me. "Could you help me take some things from the kitchen."
When we got into the kitchen, my Dad explained to me, what the vibrator was used for, and why it was shaped that way. When I asked my Dad.
"Why would any woman want to use a vibrator there?
My Dad just said. "I'll explain that to you another time."
So, I had bought my Mom a sex toy for Christmas. But at least Mom forgave me for my oversight. After still giving me a hug for the thought at least, I realised that day, just how much my Mom really loved me.
"Yes, it was a learning experience."
"That was fantastic. I'm definitly switching to Molson from now on." Tiffany Stone said.
"Thank you Tiffany for recording all this on your cam corder, and thank you all again for your amazing hospitality. I have to go now, but maybe someday I'll come back." Kevin said.
He grabbed the newspaper and the momento place holder from the bar, and stuffed it into his back pocket, as was always his habit, when he went somewhere new.
Then he extended his arms to both Bernice and Tiffany Stone and said. "May I?"
Arriving at Bernices house, Tiffany Stone pulled a bunch of gourmet food out of her bag and turned to Kevin and said. "You must be famished, let me whip something up fast in the kitchen."
With a smile, Kevin said. "I haven't had anything to eat in two days and I am just a tad bit hungry."
Bernice handed Kevin a Molson, and then said. "Let me help you in the kitchen Tiffany."
"Wow, does this ever taste good. I never had a food fantasty in my dreams, but after tasting this, move over all my beautiful woman fantasies." Kevin said with a big smile.
"Im happy I fulfiled your food fantasy cravings Kevin, but I would like to hear more about what happened to you." Tiffany Stone said.
"Okay Tiffany here it is. It wont make a lot of sense, but this is exactly how it happened. A while back I had won a disco dance contest with a very beautiful woman during a port visit to Vancouver, Canada."
I was thinking about that. "As I sat in the lounge and thinking about how many months we were at sea now and just how long it had been since I heard a female voice or smelled the scent of sweet perfume."
"How far away from this island were you when you started to crave the smell of a womans perfume." Tiffany Stone asked.
"Minutes before it happened, we were about 600 miles from here, according to the charts." Kevin replied.
"But 600 miles Kevin, that doesn't seem possible." Tiffany Stone said.
"No Tiffany, it doesn't seem possible in a normal sense, but I was traveling over the ocean at warp speed until I at last droped into the water." Kevin replied.
"But how did you survive the cold water Kevin?" Tiffany Stone asked.
"I think I would have died Tiffany, if it were not for the combined body heat of the twin sisters that thawed me out." Kevin said.
"Did anything unusual happen on your ship, just before you had your out of body experience Kevin?"
"Yes Tiffany, shortly before that I was on the bridge deck looking over the charts when I became enveloped by a greenish glow. I watched it go into the water. It was very strange Tiffany. Every navigational instrument was off and all the clocks and pesonal watches spun backward. Officialy it was listed as a small plane crash. But when I asked why we were not making a rescue effort, I was just told that I wouldn't really want to know."
"Why do you think Kevin, that you were the only one on your ship to travel to this island?"
"Well, Tiffany, if I had to guess, I think it may be a combination of two things. First, I was the only one that was standing out in the open at the time, and I got the full brunt of the greenish glow. Second, I have a tremendous will power and the desire to be around something soft and feminine just became overwhelming and somehow I think the green glow gave me a little something extra."
Oh, please, no more talk of this, I'm getting scared just thinking about this." Bernice said.
"Thats the whole story anyway Bernice." Said Kevin.
"Yes, I agree, Bernice, this is getting too spooky. I'm getting another round of Molson's in the Kitchen. Tiffany Stone said.
"Cheers to that." Said Kevin.
"What about you Tiffany Stone? You never say anything about yourslef on your website." Kevin said.
Laughing Tiffany Stone said. "I'm affraid I might bore my readers if I talk about myself, but if you must know Kevin, I'm a disciple of the legendary Hollywood scriptreader Jack Kerouac and I have a bachelor of arts in writing and literature from Naropa University in Boulder."
"So that's why you write so well. I only had a year of English Literature in College, but a buddy of mine on my ship that has a journalism degree has been giving me pointers on my comedy sripts that I've been writing for the Navy." Kevin said.
"Well Kevin, I think I would like to read your comedy scripts sometime, when your not busy dancing naked on the bar for the ladies." Tiffany Stone said laughing.
"If you would like Tiffany, I have another funny one that I was affraid to tell all the women at the bar. I didn't want them to start yelling that they wanted to see my butterfly again. This one is called Clap Your Hands." Kevin said with a big smile.
"By all means. Go ahead Kevin. It must be pretty sexy if you didn't want the woman at the bar to here it." Tiffany Stone said laughing.
"Okay Tiffany and Bernice, here it is." Kevin said, uncorking yet another Molson.
Clap Your Hands
Did anyone ever notice that "Clap Your Hands" commercial on TV? I'm just so glad its finaly off the air. I just couldn't watch the commercial without cracking up.
It makes me laugh because of Singapore. One day I got into a cab with two of my friends, and one of my friends had a bad backache, so he told the Singapore Cab driver to take us somewhere where you could get a good back rub.
So the driver takes us to this place thats way of the beaten track, and then points at a staircase to go up. So we walk up this staircase, and we see this Lady standing there, and there is only one table.
She motions us to sit down, and then she brings us all a beer.
Then she stands next to the table and says. "What can I do for you?"
My friend explains to her that. "The Cab driver said you could get a good back rub here."
She smiles and says yes. "We have the best here."
Then she claps her hands and a curtain opens. The open curtain reveals a whole bunch of women standing there in skimpy outfits.
My friend says. "No not that."
Then she claps her hands, and another curtain opens up revealing more women in skimpy outfits.
Then my friend says. "My back aches, thats all, I have on my mind."
Then she claps her hands again, and all the women behind curtain number one start to take off their skimpy outfits.
My friend says. "No, just a back rub."
Then she claps her hands again, and all the women behind curtain number two start taking all their skimpy outfits off.
Then I said to her. "You don't understand, my friend only came here for a back rub."
Then she claps her hands again, and this totaly naked women jumps up on the table and starts wrapping her thighs around my neck.
I said. "No, back rub, just a back rub."
Then she claps her hands again. "And says okay back rub."
I said. "Yes, back rub."
Then she claps her hands again and the woman starts taking my shirt off.
I started to say to her that. "Its my friend that wanted the back rub and not me."
But I could see she was ready to clap her hands again. So, I just said. "Okay." Affraid of what would happen next if she claped her hands again.
So now this woman is giving me a back rub, and my friend says to the Lady. "What about the two of us?
So of course she claps her hands again, and one woman rushes over, and then she claps her hands again, and another woman rushes over. Then the Lady claps again, and the woman that was rubing my back walks away.
So, I'm thinking good. "The Lady has everything figured out at last."
So I gulp down the rest of my beer, thinking that my friends will just get their back rub now, and then we can get out of this strange place.
But no, I was wrong. The Lady says to me. "Would you like another beer?"
I said. "Thank you, but no, I'm fine."
Then the Lady says. "Come with me."
I said. "Come with you where?"
Then she says. "You have to get the second part of your back rub now. But I need you to lay down for it."
I said. "Why do I need to lay down for a back rup?"
She gave me a strange look and said. "Why do you have to ask so many questions?"
So then, she takes me into this room and points and says. "Lay here on your stomach."
Then she claps her hands again and before I know it a bunch of women are rubing their hands all over my back.
Then after a few minutes, the Lady says to me. "Turn over on your back."
So, I turn over and then the women start pouring all this lotion on me and then they start rubing up and down my chest. Then I feel one of the women lift my arms and pull them back all the way back behind my head. Then I feel some hands around my waist, and then in a split second, I feel my pants and shorts come sliding off.
Then I said. "No not this."
The Lady said. "Whats wrong?"
I said. "I don't want to have sex, just a back rub."
She says. "Okay no sex, but we can't do this with your clothes on."
I said okay. "But no sex."
As I said the words no sex, I could then feel the women spreading my legs wide apart. Then I felt the women spreading the lotion and rubing it all up and down my thighs. Then the women turned me over on my side and started to spread and rub the lotion all over my buttocks.
Then I heard laughing. I asked. "What are they laughing at?"
Then the Lady said. "The butterfly, they're laughing at the butterfly on your butt."
Then the Lady asked. "Why do you have a butterfly on your butt?"
I said. "I didn't think anyone would see it there."
She kept her promise, there was no sex, but was that ever one heck of a rub down. I just couldn't figure why they needed so many women to do the job.
When we walked out of the place at last.
I asked my friends. "Did the two of you have the same kind of rub down?"
They both replied. "No, just our backs."
I said. "I don't get it. Why would that Lady have the women do all that to me, and only have the women rub your backs?"
One of my friends smiled and said. "She just wanted to see you with your clothes off."
Then my other friend said. "Yeah, I think that Lady had the hots for you."
I guess I will really never know the real answer to that question, but whatever the reason, it was a great rub down. But I will always think of that Lady in Singapore if I see someone claping their hands a lot.
"You have a knack for getting yourself and your butterfly into the strangest situations." Tiffany Stone said laughing.
"So Tiffany Stone. May I ask what brought you to this island?" Bernice asked.
"Oh, thanks Bernice for reminding me. I'm here to get an exclusive interview from a famous Hollywood actress that has been hiding away here just a few doors away from you. It time for me to get going. Thanks for the hospitality, and Kevin, I'm sure Bernice will take care of those other cravings you have." Said Tiffany Stone.
"Oh yeah Tiffany, I'm anxious to try out my new water bed with Kevin." Bernice said.
"Oh two fantasies coming true in the same day, first Tiffany Stones gourmet cooking and now a romp in Bernice's new water bed. Well, at least I'm having a good time before they Court Martial me for going AWOL." Kevin said.
"Well, let me go and leave you to love birds alone now." Tiffany Stone said.
"Thanks for everything Tiffany, and by the way, I love your website Breakfast At Tiffany's." Kevin said
"Take my hand lover boy, its show time." Bernice said.
"Ready to break in that new water bed." Kevin said.
"I'm ready." Bernice replied.
After that great meal and spending a pleasant night with Bernice and her new waterbed, Kevin woke about the next morning feeling refreshed and confident. He took a quick shower and then tip toed out of the house while Bernice was still sleeping.
He then headed to the beach, looking for an answer.
He knew he must return, but he thought. "how?"
Now he could hear pounding feet off in the distance. He looked in the direction of the pounding feet and he could see a most beautiful woman coming toward him wearing jogging shorts and revealing a most beautiful pair of legs.
"Good morning Kevin." The beautiful woman said.
"Oh, your the beautiful vision I'm seeing Tiffany." He said.
"My God Kevin. How many Molsons did that woman give you last night? I'm wearing my old beat up jogging outfit."
Laughing, Kevin said. "I wasn't talking about the jogging outfit, but rather what a vision the owner of the outfit was."
"Thank you Kevin, but I'm not accustomed to getting compliments before I have my morning coffee." She said.
"I'm glad I got to see you one last time before I go." He said.
"Go where?" Tiffany Stone asked.
"I have to get back to the ship now. Could you say good bye to Bernice for me?"
"Kevin, don't you think you're really kind of pushing the love them and leave them envelope here? I mean really. What am I supposed to tell Bernice? I mean something like, hi Bernice, I saw Kevin on the beach when I was jogging this morning and I just want to tell you that he zapped himself back to his ship. You know, he just had pressing paper work."
"Yes, Tiffany, I see your point, but life is not entirely about love, there are other things and I just feel as if I shouldn't sheirk my responsibility any further. I had the pleasant interlude that I needed, but now I have to get back to work." He said.
"I admire your dedication Kevin. But just how do you propose to get back to the ship?"
"The same way I got here Tiffany, just as I did once before a very long time ago." He said.
"So there was more Kevin. Why didn't you tell me?" She said.
"I was affraid I would scare Bernice if I said anymore last night. I could already see that she was becoming frieghtened and she's not from the big city like I am." He said.
"Well, I'm from the big city and I'm a journalist, so you can at least tell me." Tiffany Stone said.
"I don't completly understand it myself Tiffany, but I know it has something to do with will power and concentration."
"So when did this happen to you before?" Tiffany Stone asked.
"It happened a long time ago. I was just in grade school. There was this really gifted Kid that was constantly being picked on by school bullies. The bullies would grab his hat, and throw it back and forth to eachother. The Kid was super smart, but he had no street smarts. So, one day his Dad asked me if I would walk him home from school, so the bullies wouldn't pick on him." Kevin said.
"So what does that have to do with this? Tiffany Stone asked.
"Well one day, I was waiting for him to come out of school and three of the Kids I knew from my class asked me to come across the street for a minute. They insisted that a Lady standing outside the Funeral Parlor was a genuine witch. I told them they were nuts. But they dared me. I didn't like to ever be dared, so I walked over to see their supposed witch." Kevin said
"What does that have to do with this? Tiffany Stone asked.
"Oh okay, I'll tell you. She introduced herself to me as a witch and when she did, I laughed at her and said, there are no such things as witches. Seconds after I said that, I found myself in a place that looked like Athens, but I was defiant and I guess my will power was stonger than her's, because I wished myself back to where I had been and then she was no more and my three class mates were completly stunned and never dared dare me again." Kevin said.
"Are you putting me on Kevin?" Said Tiffany Stone.
"No, but, I wish I were." Said Kevin.
"So what you're really saying is that somehow, you accidentaly transported your self here, because your desire to smell perfume overpowered your senses, and now that you had your little interlude here, you're just going to transport your self back and get back to business again." Tiffany Stone said.
"Exactly Tiffany. Your are amazingly perceptive." Kevin said.
"But don't you think that might be just a tad bit dangerous Kevin? Tiffany Stone said.
"Yes, it might be just a little bit dangereous, but the other alternative would be explaining how I got here in the first place." Kevin said
"I see what you mean. Guess the prospect of spending the rest of your life in a paded room is not the best prospect. Do what you must do, but hurry, I still haven't had my morning coffee yet. I think I may spike my coffee a bit, after this conversation were having." Said Tiffany Stone.
"Thanks for everything Tiffany, but I really have to go now." Kevin said.
"Sure, go Kevin, you had one of my gourmet meals, so why stick around. I guess I will just have to double check those ingredients I'm using." Said Tiffany Stone.
He closed his eyes to think and when he opened them again, he was back on board his ship. But what he was hearing was quite surprising.
He could hear a funeral service being broadcast over the 1MC. Then he could hear several crew members saying nice things about their friend Kevin.
He thought. "They think I'm dead, and I'm hearing my own funeral."
Just then, his friend John walked by and yelled. "You're alive, you're alive."
He answered. "Yes, I'm alive, but why does everyone think I'm dead."
Then John said. "They had been looking everywhere for you the last 48 hours, so they thought you must have gone overboard."
"I guess I sort of did go overboard in a way." Kevin replied.
John, then said. "Where were you all that time?"
Kevin, replied, "I was on an island off the Canadian mainland."
He said, "how did you get there?"
"I'm not really sure, but I think it had something to do with that green glow." He said.
"Oh that, we still can't get the instruments working right since that green glow thing." John said.
"Well, good luck trying to explain this to the Captain." Said John.
Kevin talked to the Captain later and showed him the newspaper and coaster he had from the island, as evidence that he really had been there.
He said, "I know this story seems strange, but I have an entire island of women that can collaborate that I was there."
The Captain smiled and said, just tell me one thing. "Why did you have the Admirals daughter listed as someone to notify if you became demised? Quite a long list of women on that list." The Captain said with a smile.
Kevin, a bit red faced now, replied. "Oh, she really was the Admirals daughter, I thought she was just putting me on."
Weeks went by and the Captain had a chance to verify his story.
The Captain said to him. "I know you will want to tell someone about this some day, but can you make me a promise? Wait for at least 20 years By that time, I will be happily retired." He said.
"Sure Captain, you got it." Kevin replied.
So what really happened that day? Will we ever know for sure? Was there a reason why Kevin needed that interlude? Were forces at work that we can't understand?
Here's what we do know. Shortly after Kevin's return to his ship, GQ(General Quarters) was called because a Russian submarine was getting to close to the Aircaft Carrier that Kevin's ship was escorting.
It was Kevin's job to determine if the submarine was over the allowed distance to the Carrier. Everyone that day thought that the submarine had breached the allowed boundries but Kevin.
The ultimate decision was with Kevin to fire or not to fire. Later it was determined that Kevin's decision not to fire was correct. Did that pleasant interlude take just enough stress off Kevin to think and act clearly?
We can never be certain for sure. But we do know that we did manage to avoid a nuclear conflict that could have destroyed the entire world.
current mood: artistic
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